Madge`s old blogs

Hello, this is your Chairman, Madge Dumpling, contemplating the future. For five years now I have been holding these Rubble Club meetings in cyber space. I am never sure if anyone is here or not(I daresay there could be thousands of you, but ah, perhaps there could be only one of you) because hardly anyone except Linda from Kilmarnock ever speaks up. If you have ever written to me, and better still, ordered pet rocks and houses from me, I am sending you a great big thank-you from the bottom of my heart.     As you may know, I am making regular appearances on Facebook'  s  Rubble Club page, which is attached to Carol Gray(Undergrowby)'s profile page and Linda, Linedancer, Teaboy Bob and Pie girl Joan cleverly managed to find me on there and send me more letters than I have ever had from my little hideaway here. For that reason, as my time is so precious, I have decided to be sensible and do all my pet rock parties on Facebook from now on, and keep them very brief.      However, if you want to  consult me on anything related to the welfare of your pet rocks, send me a message either on here or on there and I will reply. I will try to put  pictures of the latest batches of pet rocks and their accessories as they come out, so it will be easier for you all to order lots of new things. If the photos appear on Facebook, you'll be able to order them from the Magic Wand Factory website.    After all, perhaps I should not be forcing you all to endure my perhaps not so fascinating pet rock lectures endlessly. I will be writing out all my pet rock whispering advice on proper paper for a while. I might make them into books from now on instead of sending them out into cyber space where they seem to disappear, and then that was all my time wasted.     The Magic Wand Factory Shop on Dickson Road, Blackpool, and especially my pet rock department, is very very busy, with people snatching up pet rocks faster than I can hatch them out, so I had better stop wasting time with other things. At least if somebody buys a Madge Dumpling book or two along with their pet rocks,  I'll know my time was well spent. And if your pet rocks are missing me and their little pals, who are my own pet rocks, their old friends and family, tune in to me on Facebook or this Rubble Club website and let them see my familiar face and find out what I'm up to. That's all they will need to stop them pining.      And don't worry about Stone Quarry Cottage being lonely and deserted without you. It won't be. The Growbies will always be here every week without fail, Miss Tick, Duncan the Dunce, Alf the Elf, etc., etc., and at least I can see them and have a proper head-count as they enter.   So, Rubble Clubbers, sadly, this is your faithful Chairman and regretful little friend, Madge Dumpling, who will be absent from this spot on your computer screen next week, also the week after and indeed. for quite the foreseeable future.

Hello, Rubble Clubbers, this is your Chairman, Madge Dumpling speaking to you from Stone Quarry Cottage in the Rocky Headlands of the land of Undergrowby. I am sorry to say that (by your silence) you and your pet rocks have all failed your pet rock feng shui examinations and so there will be no more pet rock map-magic lectures from me. It is obviously too hard for you all to understand, so if you have any questions about pet rock feng shui in the future, like how can my pet rocks make me rich, find me the love of my life, etc.,  you will have to consult me in person.     Right, this week, following your failed exams, to cheer your pet rocks up, I think they need to have a little holiday. Help yourselves to Pie Girl Joan's Pie of the Week, (which, I can announce, is filled with sponge, fruit, jelly, ice cream, meringue and of course, gravel), while I explain to you what a pet rock holiday actually is. As you can imagine, pet rocks don't expect much from a holiday. They are satisfied to go to the other side of the room for a change..      In the land of Undergrowby, we all go to the Summerlands in the south of Undergrowby for our holidays.(Except for the Summerlanders themselves, who go to the Watery Wetlands to cool off.)  The Summerlands is a sunshiny, noisy, jolly place, always warmer than anywhere else in the entire land. Sometimes when we go on holiday we spend days packing our bags and loading up the trolleys, then after travelling south for ages the pet rocks cheer when we get to the Summerlands. We can only stay for an hour or two, maybe have an ice cream and listen to Eva the Diva singing at the Hotspot Cafe, or if it's night time, we gather round the magic bonfire an be entertained by Jig the Juggler juggling his sunshine bugs and Estrella Star, the Storyteller, telling her stories. Many of those stories are my own pet rock bedtime stories(but she still selfishly refuses to let me take turns in reading them out). I expect she is jealous of my Dumpling magic. I admit though that I almost get jealous myself she waves her wand and those moving pictures flash up in the glow and smoke above the magic bonfire, illustrating those stories as she speaks. I am sure it's all trickery but so far nobody can explain it to me,or make me one of my own.  Estrella refuses to let me put her own magic bonfire on my trolley and take it home with me for my own storytelling sessions. So it all remains far away in the Summerlands, to be seen only now and again.  When the bonfire dies down we set off north east again to the Rocky Headlands.        Sometimes, once a year we take it in turns to stay overnight in one of the nine red bed cupboards in each  of the nine bedrooms of the Happy Holidaylands Hotel, where the red-hatted staff know just how to make everyone happy enough to last for another year. This is Estrella's magic bonfire, snoozing away on the morning after a performance. That's Estrella's Storyteller's cottage on the right.      Now sadly for you, Rubble Clubbers, not everyone can live in the land of Undergrowby, so you have to make your own pet rock version if the Summerlands somewhere to the south of your house or room, preferably on a sunny windowsill. It has to have lots of lights, twinkly lights, flickering candle lamps, smoking incense will do instead of a bonfire, and exciting music with singing voices.    When you are laying out your holiday-land, there should be a sand pit in the western edge of the Summerlands, near where the Happy Holidaylands Hotel should be  and a pile of twigs(incense sticks will do) on the eastern edge, where in Undergrowby, the timberyard would be.(That's the timberyard at the rear of the picture to the left.) For the Hotspot Cafe you will need to set out a refreshment area near to the bonfire.     And there you have it, a pet rock holiday resort. This month's competition is to make a pet rock holidayland of your own and send me a photo of your pet rocks having a lovely time in it. All entries will be shown and one of you will win a fabulous prize(pet rock paraphernalia of course.) The winner will be announced at the end of August. And if you really want to win, put some extra features of your own, perhaps some extra menu ideas for the cafe, a friendly fantasy creature or two, a magician, a floral display from the Midsummer flowerbeds, etc.. Remember, the Summerlands is a fire element area, so anything hot, red, bright, noisy, theatrical, fantasy, glitzy, laughing, etc., will do. To help you add your own touches and ideas, here is a map of the real Summerlands for you to study. If nobody enters I don't care, all the more prizes for me.  And with that I shall leave you while I pop down to the punk festival at the Winter Gardens with a  tray full of punk rocks on my trolley. Today is the last day of the festival and so far, because all the punks are too drunk to walk up Dickson Road for half and hour, only two punk rocks have been adopted. If the punks won't come to the rocks, the rocks will have to go to them, on my trolley. First, I had better spike my hair up with some of that gooey filling from Pie Girl Joan's pie, so I will blend in with the punks. I have already made myself a special hat with holes in it for the spikes to stick through. I look lovely now.     I'm off, Rubble Clubbers, so until next week I remain your already worn-out Chairman and spikey-haired little friend, Madge Dumpling.

Hello everyone, this is your Chairman, Madge Dumpling speaking. Pop your little pets on my mantelpiece to play in the paddling pool with their old friends and family and their lucky duckies. Now get yourselves a slice of Pie-Girl-Joan's latest pie and sit down as quick as you can. We have a lot to get through again. Today's pie, according to Joan, is caramel, banana, cream, melted chocolate and last but not least, gravel.   Malcolm! We'll be needing some spoons and plates this week. Be quick, I don't want any rattling and clunking going on once my speech is underway. Tea Boy Bob, hurry up pouring that gravel tea out! Where is he? Linda, go and find him, will you? Oh never mind, let Malcolm do it, we can't wait any longer.    Right, continuing our pet rocks feng shui series (Undergrowby map-reading and magical pet rock placement) this week we are travelling east to the Spring Green (not really, I'm just talking you through it).     The Spring Green is a hectic gnomestead full of busy plantation workers. It always seems like the crack of dawn and the alarm clock is ringing. The landscape is light green because of all the new shoots coming through the earth and all the young nettle plants and baby trees emerging from their seeds. It is a land of continuous new beginnings. Light green pet rocks are in danger of getting  lost in the Spring Green, for obvious reasons. They fall out of the pockets of the busy workers and then they just blend in with the young plants. Luckily, they often come to light later when the crops are harvested, but that could be months away and until then, no one has any spare time to organize an official pet rock hunt. That's why I always recommend that plantation workers either stitch a pet rock pouch into their vest or else provide a safe creche for their light green pet rocks on the counter of the Soup Kitchen, then I can visit regularly and do a light-green-pet-rock-head-count.       The workers, when they are not socializing in the Soup Kitchen, are rushing from job to job under the command of Hazel Twigg, the plantation director. The plantation's soup kitchen feeds the workers and their families, and that soup is made of nothing but the best and freshest of the plants. Some say it is magic soup with health and strength in every mouthful. I am quite partial to it myself, I do admit, and am made welcome to have a bowlful whenever I call in to do my head count. If you want to make your soup more magical, use only the finest plants and always keep a light green pet rock by your stove, like Ancient Reg(left), the best soup-maker in the land of Undergrowby.      The plantation workers are a merry team who pull together nicely but need constant new challenges because they get bored easily, then they start getting depressed, arguing, shouting and competing amongst themselves, so it's just as well that Hazel keeps moving them from one end of the plantation to another. If you want your pet rock(and yourself) to do better in competitions, or to get yourself to move from  one job to another more quickly, sit it in the middle of the Spring Green on the map and it will catch on to the ways of the plantation and bring a quick change into its (and your) life.      The wood worker, Elmer Oak, is never still. He goes from one project to another and has lots of apprentices making him lots of money. He is very good at what he does, demands masterly perfection from his apprentices, and is always coming up with new designs. If your craft skills are a bit sloppy, put your light green pet rock on his star and just watch your standards rise. And watch your income rise too.    To the far east of the plantation workers' tents there is higher ground with proper houses built upon it. That's where the privileged few live. These are the Woodworker, the Choirmaster, the Windmill owner and the Seed Bank Manager. None of these would be seen dead in the Soup Kitchen and think themselves far too grand. (More fool them! More soup for the rest of us.)     The wood worker, Elmer Oak, is never still. He goes from one project to another and has lots of apprentices making him lots of money. He is very good at what he does, demands masterly perfection from his apprentices, and is always coming up with new designs. If your work-related skills are a bit sloppy, put your light green pet rock on his star and just watch your standards rise. And watch your income rise too.    The Choir master, Tom Tapper, is also the Keeper of the Ancestral Drum. At key ceremonies, like the first day of spring, Tom unveils the drum and plays his magical rhythms to alert the ancestors and make them pay attention to the happenings down on the earth. He thinks he is so special, he even tries to conduct the dawn chorus every morning but the birds take no notice. They know he is an unnecessary control freak who has no idea what they are singing about anyway. I can't think why, but the ancestors seem to love him and always respond to his drumming with a crack of thunder and a flash of lightning. If you are looking for a sign from your ancestors, put your light green pet rock on the Choirmaster's star on the map, then watch and wait. You may be surprised and delighted, and put in charge of an ancient ancestral artifact, or an inheritance, like Tom was.    The windmill owner, Grinder Green, is a controlling old gossip. Some people might think that of me too, but Grinder has a secret weapon, the ever-changing winds of fate. He harnesses those winds in the windmill and makes them work for him, grinding seeds into magic flour, and selling that flour for a fortune, especially when it's a north wind, which brings great power and courage and turns back the weakening effects of time, like a  youth-bringing elixir. Sadly, the north wind blows mainly in winter, when Grinder and everyone else(apart from me and Clockit Quick, the Time and Tide Inspector,) is asleep, so he is not as rich as he might be, but still richer than most. If you want to be richer than most, make fate work to your advantage and get to know all the gossip, put your light green pet rock next to the windmill.    The Seed Bank Manager, Pip Peapod, has spent his whole life identifying, cataloging and storing all the different seeds needed for life to go on as normal in the land of Undergrowby. He now has a world-famous bank of seeds where people can come to deposit and withdraw seeds as long as they pay Pip for the service and don't expect to get much for depositing the common-a-garden varieties. It's a bit like a money bank, because in Undergrowby, seeds are like gold, and that's why Pip is worth a fortune. If you want to be successful in trade and transactions, ensure fertility and always come out on top of any deal, learn your seed varieties, carry a bag of seeds at all times and put your pet rock on the Seed Bank.               Phew, that's it for the Spring Green. Of course it gets more complicated when different colours of pet rocks are placed on the Spring Green, depending on what element they belong to. Red, for instance, the colour of summer and love, makes the plantation dry up, relax and lose some of its juice. It might even set fire to the plantation and bring about a new beginning, but does no harm whatsoever to the pet rock . Blue brings about more wealth to the plantation, etc., and loses some of its loneliness, but that's all in a later lecture. There's a lot to think about and that's enough for now. I can see you are all confused.  In fact, if nobody protests loudly, I might not continue this series of talks after this week, and write a book instead so you can have it all written down safely. Meanwhile, be starting to collect your own little set of nine different-coloured pet rocks, ....your own secret keys to unlock the life-changing mysteries of the map. Next week I'll show you a picture of a typical set of nine. Until then, I remain your steadfast Chairman and diligent little friend, Madge Dumpling.

 Hello everyone, this is Madge Dumpling, your Chairman. I am a world-renowned pet rock whisperer and what I don't know about pet rocks is irrelevant. Rest assured, you have come to the right place if you are wondering what to do with your pet rock this week. As for refreshments, Pie Girl Joan's mouthwatering Scottish buffet pie of the week seems to be delayed, lost in the post, perhaps, so I have been to the Spar shop next-door-but-one for a sweet-but-boring Blackpool apple pie and added my own exciting crunchy signature ingredients to it. (That's why the top crust is so tasty but looks a bit of a wreck.) Enjoy!     And now on to the third phase of my Pet Rock Feng Shui revelations. A very brief introduction to the gnomesteads and their special unique qualiities. Last week I told you to sit your pet rock in the top right-hand corner , the north-east of the map, in the Rocky Headlands, where I and the pet rocks come from, so they will absorb their proper magical map-powers and prepare themselves to be dutiful, upright, well-informed, obedient, law-abiding, reliable and right-minded no matter what challenges confront them along the way in the weeks to come. They must stay strong, rigid and faithful to the task. Rocky Headlanders, including myself, are known for these things.     Here is the north east of the map of Undergrowby, the aforementioned Rocky Headlands, the strongest, hardest and most imposing of the three earth element gnomesteads. The ground is more rock than soil.     If you remember, I suggested last week that you put your pet rock in charge of the subtle, secret magical work for which it is well-suited, so you can get on with your day jobs, knowing your pet rock is at work on your behalf. Map working requires steadfastness, a quality pet rocks(and Rocky Headlanders) have in abundance, because to absorb map magic best, you have to stand still and concentrate your mind on a spot on the map until the required change takes place. Pet rocks excel at standing still steadfastly and dutifully, don't they? This week, Map-owners, as instructed by me last week,  will have been standing their pet rocks on their map, on or around the stone quarry(bottom left of picture). And I bet none of those pet rocks have laid down on the job or gone wandering off, have they? That's  Rocky Headlanders for you.      Linda from Kilmarnock(left) is the most dutiful and steadfast of all the Rubble Clubbers(next only to me). Like me, she never fails in her duty. Week after week she puts in her report. Her spelling is excellent, much like my own, and all that excellent behaviour is because we are both Rocky Headlanders.    Other dutiful Rocky Headland Rubble Clubbers live where the white stars  are on the map above. They are all different, depending on where in the Rocky Headlands they live.The Wise Hermit who has no name lives high up the mountain and as a result he is so high-minded he is on the point of being absent-minded. I have learnt not to underestimate him, however.     He is second only to me at getting what he wants. He breaks all the rules if he deems them foolish and contrary to what suits him, and just when you think you've got him under control, he disappears. But then he reappears with just the thing you need at just the time when you need it, and has a vast store of inventions in his cupboard, inventions that nobody has ever seen or heard of before. He is, in short, a magical genius and yet he doesn't even have a name, or a chair, or a bed, or even a body sometimes. I just wish he would stop leaving his pet rock behind when he comes to the meetings, though. It's a long hard climb for me to keep returning it to his hut at the top of that mountain.    Put your pet rock on the Wise Hermit's star if you are on a spiritual quest and need magical intervention to break through the rules.          Further down the mountain are the Stopgrowbies who now run the Gallery of Delights, an art gallery.  They think themselves very fine and high-minded, especially that Hillizabeth Stopgrowby with her boring needlework academy section. That's her on the left, full of her own importance(not like me at all) pretending to be posh, welcoming her rich, sequinned celebrity patrons from the Summerlands.     The Stopgrowbies used to manage the Seven Schools in a ridiculously strict and rule-bound way, putting a stop to everyone's (and their own) fun and freedom, until the ancestors put a stop to them with a landslide that knocked their posh houses down while they were out for the day opening an art gallery further to the west of the mountain.    Put your pet rock on the Gallery's star if you want to swap a troublesome job for one that allows you to shine and be happy.    Now, since the Stopgrowbies moved away from the Seven Schools, Miss Tick, the mysteriously disappearing headmistress, is in charge. She only collects girl pet rocks and will not let them play with the boys in case love breaks out. Put your pet rock on her star if you want to succeed at your studies and stop getting distracted by the opposite sex.     Duncan the Dunce collects lots of things, including pet rocks, and carries them everywhere in his cluttered-up rucksack. (And speaking of mountains of clutter, they  belong in the Rocky Headlands and so the north-east (the wind direction of the Rocky Headlands) is the right place to store all your clutter, rubble, pet rocks and mountain of other stuff ,.....if you don't want it to magically block and obstruct your path in this life, as clutter placed elsewhere can do.)     Duncan sharpens the pencils for the Seven Schools and is very slow but dutiful at that. He is not known for his spelling or adding-up abilities, but sometimes a simple mind like his can point to the right thing at the right time. Of all the Rocky Headlanders in the Rubble Club, he is the most-loved by all. He is an expert collector and hoarder. (Well, we all have our important specialities in the land of Undergrowby). Put your pet rock on his star if you want to simplify your life, spot the simple solution and be popular because of your large pet rock collection.     The Sweet Shop owner, Pop Boulder, is very greedy and ambitious. His sweet shop gets bigger all the time, and spreads further and further up the hill the richer he gets. He makes sweets that people get addicted to when they are worried or studying hard, (which in the Rocky Headlands is all the time). My own favourite is his sweet root chunks dipped in chalk dust. Put your pet rock on his star if you want to climb higher in your  business or sweet-making life.    The magical colour of the Rocky Headlands is yellow. The flavour is sweet. The voice quality is sing-songy and comforting, like my own when I am reading bedtime stories to my pet rocks.      A large, yellow pet rock is the best to put on a task to get that quality of heaviness, stuckness-in-a-rut, reliability, obstruction, pattern-following, limit-fixing, rule-abiding, institutional dependence that only the Rocky Headlands can bring. If you don't want your target audience to move and escape from your grasp, think about putting your pet rock on the sticky sweetshop of the Rocky Headlands, and always have a bag of sweets in your pocket to hand out wherever you go.   If none of your pet rocks are yellow or large, never mind.  When you want them to be working Rocky Headlands magic, as well as sitting them somewhere in the Rocky Headlands, make or buy them a yellow hat a ribbon, bow tie or scarf and dip them in sugar.    Now you know something about the magical qualities of the Rocky Headlands. Every week we will travel through the one of the other eight gnomesteads. Then, when we understand the layout of Undergrowby's magical energies, we shall see how they relate to different topics, like love, money, diet, career, friendships, job allocation, team selecting, etc..I daresay you can't wait, but just try to persevere, because I promise once you  understand it all, the Map of Mysteries of the land of Undergrowby will change your life.    Meanwhile, it's time you started taking this seriously, so be buying yourselves a map book, map and  playing tools from Grandad Gray at www.themagicwandfactory.com's online shop.  You will be able to read up, get ahead of me and find out where you and every one of the important people in your life would be born if you lived in the land of Undergrowby. Through the book you will also be able to pluck  hidden messages from the map by throwing footstep coins which will guide you to the correct destination and message.      I think I need to be assembling pet rock feng shui teams of nine pet rocks in nine different colours and types. I will let you know when they are ready then you can order the full team so you will not keep needing to swap different-coloured hats and ribbons and confusing your little pets. Having the right pet rock for the job is much better. The right rock, dressed in the right hat,......even better.   MAGICAL SYMBOLS The magical symbols for the Rocky Headlands are 1. The mountain......2. The history and law books,..3. The pet rock,.....4. The dog,....5. The large, tall building  .....6. The pile of rubble.....7..The stone monument to the ancestors.....8. The heavy weight,....9. The filing cabinet, for pigeon-holing everything....10.....The Stop sign.,  .....11. The ladder.......12. The long list.,....   13. The number eight.  14. The bag of sweets.,      15., The grave mounds.   16. The uniform, especially the uniform hat,.... scholar's cap, teacher's cap and dunce's cap.     Find or draw pictures of all these symbols and stick them in the yellow square of your home-made nine-square grid which I showed you last week.(It's much simpler to buy a map, I'm sure you'll agree.)      Next week, pack your bags because we are heading southwards towards the Spring Green. Until then, I remain your trustworthy Chairman and self-sacrificing little friend, Madge Dumpling.

Hello Rubble Clubbers, be quick and sit down. We have a lot to get through and I know you are all eager to learn Lesson Two of my Pet Rock 'feng shui' Revelations. I have been so busy preparing my lecture that I have had to leave the catering in the hands of Deputy Head Prefect,  Linda from Kilmarnock, who  has made an enormous mouth-watering pie for the buffet (under Pie Girl Joan's directions of course) (Pie Girl Joan back from the Isle of Wight next week),..it's filled with.rhubarb and Blackpool rock with gravel sprinklings, my favourite so far....enjoy!     And so on to part two of my revelations about the magical use of pet rocks in steering the winds of fate in a good way. Some call it that old Scottish word 'feng shui', but most of us Rubble Clubbers call it 'following the map of Undergrowby'. Before we go any further, if you intend to follow the map of Undergrowby, it would help greatly if you buy yourself a map, but if you can't afford one, get a big piece of paper or cardboard and draw  lines on it, dividing it into three lengthways and three widthways, crisscrossing the lines to make a grid of nine squares, one in the middle and the other eight equally spaced around it. Paint the squares using the colours shown in this diagram. As the weeks pass we will be filling these squares (or your map) with lots of Undergrowby's most magical symbols, making your grid more and more potent as the symbols start to clutter it up.     Last week I showed you the two sides of the mountain, so we already know that everything has its shadow. Once, a long time ago, I went to the Wise Hermit who has no name to ask him an important question about shadows. I said, "Sometimes, nobody takes any notice of me. In fact it seems as if sometimes I am invisible. Do I have a shadow even then, Wise Hermit?"    He must have thought I was telling a joke because he laughed and laughed for ages, then suddenly he went quiet, sat down cross-legged and said, "The life force within you , though invisible, also has two qualities, the great and the small. The great within you is that which acts to propel the river of your life, and is the strong force which enables you to know your purpose and impose your will to fulfill your destiny."     That sounds like me, doesn't it, Rubble Clubbers? I am, after all, truly great, aren't I? But he continued, "The small within you is just as important. It appears in all of us from time to time. It is humble, unencumbered by pride and complication, subject to the whims and commands of others and must influence its situation only by adaptation and inner work. When small, quiet and still, you are more receptive to the clues which inform you about the small beginnings of change. When the great and the small know their right time to act, happiness and prosperity will be yours and the blessings of the ancestors will be showered upon you."    It was so hard for me to imagine my small side that I decided I was going to give that job to the smallest of my pet rocks, while I get on with being great. And if you, like me, have trouble with being small, you too can put a pet rock in charge of detecting the clues and instigating and influencing the small beginnings of change.     By the way, I was introduced to the Wise Hermit-who-has-no-name by Miss Tick, Headmistress of the Seven Schools. They have two things in common. They  like pet rocks and they also keep floating up into the air and disappearing in the middle of my speeches. Once, when everyone else had left the meeting and the Wise Hermit was still floating in mid air above the prefects' couch, I spied my opportunity.  To satisfy my indomitable curiosity I insisted that he tell me what his secret real name was. " I am nothing" was all he said. If that was his name, no wonder he chose to pretend he had none. I promised to keep it a secret. (Oops! Don't tell anybody I told you, Rubble Clubbers!)      "And what about your pet rock, Wise Hermit, does he have a name?" I asked, my reporter's notebook open and my pencil poised. He got his little pet out of his pocket and gazed upon it with love in his eyes. " I call it small, humble, unencumbered by pride and complication, subject to the whims and commands of others and influencing its situation only by adaptation and inner work." he said. What a lovely name, I thought.     Back to the map and the pet rock feng shui. Choose at least one pet rock to live on your map or your grid diagram. Until further notice, (next week), place all pets on the top right-hand square, the yellow one, which symbolizes the Rocky Headlands. If you have a proper map, place them in and around the Stone Quarry in the Rocky Headlands(where I live). Let them settle in and know their rightful place for at least one week before they set off on their ongoing journey through the Land of Undergrowby, influencing change and directing the winds of fate in your favour.      More next week. Until then I am your map-reading Chairman and informative little friend, Madge Dumpling.  

Hello to all you thoughtful pet rock owners and your eager little pets and welcome to Stone Quarry Cottage once again for another merry shindig with me, Madge Dumpling, your Chairman and internationally acclaimed pet rock whisperer. Before we begin let's loosen up with Head Prefect Linedancer who has perfected a line-dancing shimmy for us,...with a twist! It will be our secret weapon in this year's pet rock linedancing championships, so follow her carefully. Over to you Linedancer!   .....Oh yes, I think I've got it now, it's all in the rotating left shoulder, isn't it? Oh, oh, that's enough, I've twisted too far. I think it's time for a snack.       Tuck into the pies, Rubble Clubbers. I have not made any of my world-famous rock cakes this week because we have two pies to get through, a savoury one from Linda from Kilmarnock (who dutifully stepped in for Joan, Chief Pie-maker, who is on holiday. Linda's is a dock leaf, seaweed, spinach, carrot and swede pie sprinkled with Scottish grit swept up from the alleyways of Kilmarnock.).      But wait, for afters, here is another massive one from the equally dutiful Joan herself posted off from the always-rainy Isle of Wight, along with a lovely postcard addressed to myself. Hers is a fruity one with strawberry leaves, redcurrants, blackberries and raspberries and a sprinkle of that rainbow sand from the Isle of Wight. I dusted the rainbow sand off and substituted Blackpool sand, which is tastier and grown in the Blackpool sun, not the Isle of Wight rain. I hope you don't mind, Joan, I know best, don't I?       And now on to the feature we've all been waiting for, my weekly educational speech to the membership. This week I am talking about feng shui, that foreign term for 'according to the map of Undergrowby', and how pet rocks fit into the invisible, magical grand scheme of things. It will take several weeks to get through it all, so I am starting slowly to make sure you understand the basics first.      Let's start with the earth, because everyone at this meeting is made of flesh or rock and so belongs to the earth element. And since we are in the Rocky Headlands, let's start with a mountain. There are two main sides to everything in life, a bright side and a dark side, an obvious side and its (often overlooked) shadow. (Don't let's go into the thousands of  other little sides yet, this is only lesson No. 1.)      The two sides belong together, complete each other and depend on each other.  Without its left side a pet rock would be at a lop-sided disadvantage, possibly spending its life looking for a partner rock with its right side missing.    The outside world brings endless cyclic changes, sunrise, sunset, winter, summer,etc.. It also brings unpredictable changes,  floods, drought, burglary, hikers, etc.. Some changes and their positive or damaging effects on the mountain are extreme,  and some are subtle. Different influences affect each side differently. These outside influences invisibly affect not only the outside of the mountain but also the inside, the inner purpose and presence of the mountain.(and before you ask,I have it on good authority from Miss Tick, Headmistress of the Seven Schools that everything has a sort of inner being, even a mountain, {and especially a pet rock}).      You can never tell what a mountain(or a pet rock, or a person) has been through in the past, what its memories are, what it has seen,(unless you are a pet rock whisperer like me) but right here, right now, you can help make it (and yourself) the best, happiest blob of earth it can be. But how?       You look for clues, signs, two main sorts of signs, and use sensible measures to create more favourable conditions than before. The two sorts of signs are as follows. There are obvious, clear-as-can-be visible clues and hidden, dark, invisible ones, the ones that hope you will not notice them. For instance, your pet rock's face may be saying it's happy, but it may have a squashed fly under its bottom. It may be dusty, hot and bothered and looking like it   needs a bath but it may have a dreadful fear of water and need a lucky ducky and a rubber ring before you take action. If you understand the earth element and its relationship with the water element, you would know that its fear of water is to be expected, but is surmountable by use of the right tools. But what are the right tools? And when is it the right time to use them?        The Wise Hermit of the Rocky Headlands (who has no name) once said  'Now is all there is.'  He also said 'There's a right time for everything, but the clock cannot help you.'      So, my friends, if you want to be good at timing your magical interventions in this life, slip out of the clock's time and slip into Undergrowby time.      In Undergrowby, every single person is living in a world of their own, in a right time of their own making. If the winds of fate blow in an unfavourable change, causing them to have a bad time, they have a tool-kit of items to identify the problem, rectify it and steer themselves back into a good place and time again. The tool-kit is easily assembled, and based on items symbolically found in one of the nine gnomesteads of the Map of Mysteries of the land of Undergrowby.    As the weeks go on, I will introduce you to these great symbols, as |I read out to you from my latest gook, 'Great Symbols A-Z'. One of the symbols, I am proud to say,  is 'The Pet Rock' . Lucky you, Rubble Clubbers, your tool kit is not entirely empty, as you might have feared.You all own at least one pet rock, don't you? Next week......how to use your pet rock to change your own time. Until then, (Malcolm, get me some tea!) I remain your hoarse Chairman and thirsty little friend, Madge Dumpling.                    

Hello, Rubble Clubbers, in you come with your cute little pets, faces all washed I see, and all wearing their best hats for the meeting too. Well done, all you owners who have paid careful attention to your pet rock's wardrobe. (For those of you who can't afford a hat for your pet rock, rather than bring along a hatless rock to the meeting, a blob of blu-tak dipped in glitter (or sugar) with a little feather stuck in it can be very fetching, and is always better than nothing.)     Before I carry on with the meeting, I must say a special hello to all my new facebook pals, some of whom would make lovely pet rock owners but have never even seen a pet rock in real life, I fear. Facebook pals, if you want a pet rock to accompany you to next week's meeting and you do not live in Blackpool, (so cannot quickly nip down to the Magic Wand Factory Shop on Dickson Road to get one), you can get one from the online shop, www.themagicwandfactory.com. For your information, I have ordered Granny Gray, my shopkeeper and general dogsbody, to make me a pet rock podium with 'Pet rock of the day' inscribed on it, and a glittery star award for the day's lucky rock, which I will photograph daily and have a facebook feature to that effect. If you want that rock, you will only have that one day to get it, or it will be lost for ever in the rubble. Wanderella, from the Wandmaker's Forest seen here showing-off at the Pink Sunset dance with her wizard friend, Wobbin. They, (unlike myself, a slave to my work, as you know),  have plenty of time for partying.     On to business. Joan, the Rubble Club's new pie girl, has gone on holiday, but not before she delivered her pie of the week. It's pink and smells like melted ice lollies, or is it potatoes? Dig in and find out, Rubble Clubbers. Tea Boy Bob has made us a nice big pot of gravel tea with a splash of that secret tartan ingredient of his, so if it were not for my own speciality crunchy rock cakes here, made in Blackpool,  it would be a very Scottish buffet today. Bob, Joan and Linda all live in Kilmarnock, known for its tartan cocktail parties and pies. I am always invited to their parties, it goes without saying, but even with the promise of Bingo, I am always too busy to attend, except when I am on a rare Highland rock-collecting mission. Pal the pet rock, star of the Stone Quarry page of the Map of Mysteries oracle book. The Stone Quarry  page is all about bringing-in  the unchanging, stable nature of a great rock (like Pal).      This week once again I have been rushed off my feet and too busy for partying. I have been assisting Grandad Gray, who has been messing around with a new improved version of the map of Mysteries. Before sending it off to the printers he asked me and a few other Growbies to check it through for him, because all our gnomesteads and houses are on the map. I flicked through the pages dutifully looking for my spot on the map and my oracle page, The Stone Quarry (which nestles at the foot of the Rocky Headlands, as you all know.) No matter what I said, he refused to put a nice big picture of me, Madge Dumpling, the world-famous pet rock whisperer, on the Stone Quarry page, but at least there was a nice big pet rock there on my behalf. When the printed books arrive I'll let you know if I am happy with them. Now, what I want to know is, when is he going to have MY books printed?    Next week I am going to teach you all about the use of pet rocks in the art of feng shui. As we all know, feng shui is a foreign term for 'according to the map of Undergrowby' and its ways were probably copied from us thousands of years ago when there were as many gnomes as humans roaming the earth. .You can call it feng shui if you want, but it all boils down to the same thing, except that the map is much easier to understand. For the sake of you humans I have called it feng shui so you know what I mean. I might even write a book about it, but it might be heavily biased in favour of the earth element (and why not? the earth element has more gnomesteads than any other element.) More about that next week. I'll call it Feng Shui week. Until then I remain your devoted Chairman and encyclopaedically knowledgeable little friend, Madge Dumpling.      

Hello to all you lovely pet rock collectors and your adorable little pets! This is the world-famous pet rock whisperer Madge Dumpling, welcoming you to another uniquely educational meeting of the Rubble Club here in Stone Quarry Cottage here in the Rocky Headlands of the land of Undergrowby. Pop your pet rocks on the mantelpiece to play with their old friends and family and sit down quickly. I have some thrilling news for you so  get yourself a cup of gravel tea and a rock cake before I start. Now concentrate hard and prepare to be astounded at what pet rocks can do. Mysterious blacks waiting to go into action.    Did I tell you about the great influx of blue-black rocks on Blackpool beach about two weeks ago? There were loads of them. It took me eight trips to carry them all home in my rock-sample-collecting basket. Well, it was very thrilling but somewhat scary because those types of rocks always come for a reason, usually a dangerous reason. When they hatch out into pet rocks they turn into a rare breed of pet rock called 'mysterious blacks'. They are velvety blue-black with pale rims around their eyes, like ghosts. In their night-camouflage colours I always recommend people use them as night-time security guards, stealth operatives, espionage tools, anti-nightmare agents or just nice quiet little fearless friends for insomniacs and people who are afraid of the dark.     Little did I know that they would be put to the test immediately. Within days of the mysterious blacks' appearing on the shelves of the Magic Wand Factory Shop on Dickson Road, Blackpool, in the dead of night, a nasty burglar smashed a great big jagged hole in the shop window and stepped inside the shop window to see what he could pinch. Every time he stepped back out of the window with a handful of pottery, he tripped, fell and smashed his pottery loot. He cut his face on the broken glass and eventually he limped off empty handed and the police caught him bleeding in the alleyway and carted him off down to the police station. And before you ask, not one pet rock was harmed or even touched. The mysterious blacks made sure of that! Lots of magic wands and their holders  were smashed, but as we all know, good luck comes out every time a magic wand is broken by accident, so looking on the bright side, that could be seen as a good thing. Wanderella rudely awoken by me at 3 a.m. that night, and mad as can be.     And that little show-off Undergrowby gnome, Wanderella Windmeddler, the chief wandmaker from the Wandmaker's Forest, has nothing better to do than make more magic wands anyway, has she? (pardon my twisted smile and withering sigh, it's not like me to enjoy Wanderella's little downfalls,... but it just serves her  right for winning Undergrowby's 'Name the Shop Sign' printing competition and getting the shop sign printed with 'The Magic Wand Factory Shop' and not Madge Dumpling's Pet Rock Emporium, as everyone knows it should be! ) That green face of hers was greener than ever with envy when she saw my perfectly intact pet rock display. She'll be trying to perfect a mysterious black magic wand of her own now, won't she, Rubble Clubbers?  And meanwhile, I'll be recommending that she adopt an emergency swat team of my own brave and quite unique-to-me 'mysterious blacks' (at twice the normal fee, sadly, because understandably they are in high demand now).        And now, I would like to thank the fearless Charlie Kleboe Rogers for guiding all the Rubble Club officials to my previously neglected Facebook page. Charlie, you are a bit like a valiant 'mysterious black' yourself, aren't you?  Thanks to Charlie's know-how there was a sudden mass arrival of officials at the Rubble Club's Facebook site. I would also like to thank Linda from Kilmarnock who eventually rounded everyone up and also published my photo on Facebook in my rocking chair, on top of the table, smiling away in that all-seeing, all- knowing way of mine, at last year's annual general meeting. Tea Boy Bob was giving a speech about the different malts in his Tartan tea ingredients. I remember it well. It was in that nice cosy Gynn pub down the road whose bins always hold nice surprises for anyone who roots in them (cocktail umbrellas, straws, cold chips, floor-sweepings, etc.). I haven't changed, have I? Still as pretty as ever.      I wonder how am I gong to make it easier for people to find their way to that Facebook page? Charlie can't be there all the time watching out for stray Rubble Clubbers wandering around in cyber-space, can he?  I just don't know, but I am convinced that if a way could be found, I would have thousands of 'friends' in no time.    Along with the officials who appeared at the Rubble Club Facebook page, Linda's friend Joan arrived carrying a nice big pie and now that I have shared a few of my pie-filling rules and ideas with her I have promoted her to Pie Girl and she will have a badge to that effect, to make it official. Joan, I know you re thrilled and so you should be!  From now on, Joan's pies will be featuring weekly on the buffet table. As you can see, this week's Joan's Pie of the week is nice and lumpy due to its naughty filling of chopped burnt chip shop batter and chip ends, (with shredded seaweed garnish for actual health benefits). Tuck in Rubble Clubbers!      Until next week I remain your persistent Chairman and mysterious little friend, Madge Dumpling.              

Chloe's summer house. Important creation of the week. Where were you all, everybody? (Gasp!)  No wonder I am frowning and not my usual happy-go-lucky self. For those of you who are unaware, I and my entire array of hopeful pet rock orphans have just spent two weeks waiting in a cold, secret, darkened room next door to Carol Gray's Facebook page. It was so cold and dark in that room, I think it must have been somewhere in the cyber space equivalent of the Watery Wetlands.    But never mind the discomfort, there is nothing I will not endure if it means getting more pet rocks adopted. And as far as that was concerned, it was a complete waste of time! When I first arrived I said "Hello, my name is Madge Dumpling, world-famous pet rock whisperer. All these lovely pet rocks here in my basket are looking for friends. Can we have a Facebook page each please?" "No, sorry, you're an invisible impostor and the pet rocks can't type" said the Facebook person.  I sulked and stamped but it made no difference. They said my only hope was to find someone over two feet tall who was not invisible and get them to have a Facebook page. Then I would be able to appear somewhere on their page, but it could not under any circumstances be called Madge Dumpling. So that's how I ended up  in that secret invisible spot reserved for the invisible friends of  Granny Gray (who calls herself Carol Gray so nobody knows how old and doddery she is.) "Who is going to find me here, next door to a doddery old shopkeeper called Carol Gray? They'll all be looking for me, the world-famous Madge Dumpling!" I pointed out sensibly but there was no reasoning with them.     Ever the optimist, I expected all my Rubble Club fans to seek me out and immediately turn some sort of a spotlight onto me, or usher me into a nice posh room, but nobody came. I was confident that all  you pet rock owners and your envious friends would  cluster around me and try to be my 'friend', but none of you even saw me, let alone recognize me.(sniff, sigh)     And the worst thing was, when I wasn't here to host the meeting last week I expected a search party to be sent out for me, but no, nothing! Nobody even noticed! And it's not like I had gone on holiday. I was only up the road, on Facebook's Rubble Club page.    Luckily, Linda from Kilmarnock, the Deputy head Prefect, managed to find me a few days ago and coaxed me back home to Stone Quarry Cottage where I truly belong. Tea Boy Bob carried all the pet rocks' baskets and Granny Gray organized a removal truck to carry my tea trolley, tins of rock cakes, buckets of grit, camp bed and of course my pet rocking chair.      Well anyway, I'm back now, the rock cakes are fresh from the oven and Malcolm, my husband, is pouring out the gravel tea, so gather round, tuck in and get comfy while I show you this nice little house Chloe (a very talented and clever Blackpool pet rock collector who is one of Granny Gray's little favourites) made out of cardboard and salt dough. The flat roof is handy for pet rocks to gather for a sunbathe. If you have some cardboard boxes and some bread dough you can copy Chloe's good idea.    Next week, when I have recovered from my Facebook ordeal, I will have some better entertainment for  you and your little pets. Until then I remain your unfairly overlooked Chairman and homecoming little friend, Madge Dumpling.      

Rubble Clubbers. This meeting will have to be brief because I am organizing a back yard party this afternoon for all the little junior Rubble Clubbers who live here, near Gynn Square, Blackpool. I know, I know, the buffet table is empty. Well my husband Malcolm will have to bring the cake tin out and give you all a cup of tea because I simply have no time to do it myself. (As usual.)      This afternoon's back yard party promises to be a major event. Well, we have to do something to distract everyone from all those jubilee parties and get them back thinking about pet rocks again. I have ordered Granny Gray to take her table in the back yard, along with all her clay-playing stuff, so the little pet rock owners around here can learn how to make little what-nots for their pet rocks. I shall need to be there to organize things and make sure I listen-in to all the gossip.When you see these pictures you will see why these particular little Rubble Clubbers and their friends who live nearby are some of Granny Gray's favourites. Choosing umbrellas. A serious business. The pet rock likes that one. The jealous duck does too.    Here they are. This is the chirpy, cheerful, adorable Amy and Connor, a brother and sister, who live round the corner. (Lucky for the pet rocks, not far to travel). I am pleased to see Amy and Connor take their umbrella-buying very seriously, especially Connor. No sooner did he get his first pet rock than he was fitting it up with its first umbrella. Amy is wondering if her lucky ducky (in her hand) will be able to get its beak on that umbrella when it gets home.     See Amy's hair, she is wearing an umbrella in her hair,...the latest Blackpool fashion. Model Rubble Clubbers, Amy and Connor     Amy's pet rock has a lucky ducky, or the duck has a pet rock, I'm not sure which is which. That lucky ducky is spoilt rotten. It has more umbrellas than anyone I know, many bought for her by the kind little Connor, who is a bit of an umbrella connosseur. He keeps a strict record of how many Amy has got and in what colours. I'm not sure why.I think he just likes numbers,...and colours,... and writing. I overheard Granny Gray asking them what they are doing with all the umbrellas. Of course I already knew because as you know, Rubble Clubbers,  I like to check up regularly on my pet rocks after they have moved into their new homes.  I could have told her that those umbrellas are stuck around a cardboard fence-thing in the duck's enclosure.The duck also has at least one feeding bowl of its own, and a rare pet chicken friend. Amy is now on the look-out for a duck house for her duck. What about a nice big family house, Amy, so the duck can live indoors with hundreds of pet rocks? Keep gritting, and your house could look like this!      Amy is clutching yet another bowl of pet rock food (she calls it duck food) wrapped in purple tissue paper. She keeps spilling and losing it and Granny Gray keeps filling it up for her again. I let her do it and pretend I don't know about it because I think Amy is secretly trying to cover her house with sand and grit, tiny bowlful by tiny bowlful, so someday it will be completely covered, like my own Stone Quarry Cottage, the crunchiest,  cosiest house in the land of Undergrowby.      Next, about my facebook page. Well, it seems I have been chucked out of facebook for being too short (and invisible) but not one to give up easily I have squeezed myself into Granny Gray's facebook account. She's called Carol Gray. Look for that name, Rubble Clubbers, and when you find her account,  turn over the page to the next page, the Rubble Club page and..and, well,... send me a little fan message. "Hello Madge, I like you" will do if you can't think of anything. In return I will give you a personal message all of your own.      And now I am off to get the back yard ready. Until next week I remain your busy, busy Chairman and inquisitive little friend, Madge Dumpling.